The Beginning

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Re - Focusing

I decided to title this post 're - focusing' because I have been on this weight loss journey for sometime now... This isn't a beginning... and no where near an ending. I've been trying to lose weight for quite sometime now. Being honest though.... It wasn't until last April that I got the 'big' picture and started doing something about it. I was on a roll... on fire... nothing could stop me..... except brownies.... for some reason I couldn't break free from that one addiction. When all else let me down...... I turned to... my support system? Nope... my wonderful good habits that I had created? nuh - uh ..... the fact that I could depend and rely on my strong motivation to get through anything..... heck no....
I started back-sliding. The truth is I had been doing it while I was dieting. I hadn't learned my lesson. I was still rewarding my accomplishments with food. And when there was no one else.... there was food. I slowly started gaining the weight back... and now I've gained all that I lost.... plus a few. I've been trying to analyize all this... process it... trying to to look for answers. First I thought.... hey I turn to food as a reward... something goes well... let's celebrate! then I began noticing that I also punished myself with food.... and then I noticed that looked for comfort. I know that I am an emotional eater (obviously) but I don't know why. Why am I my own obstacle? I feel like I purposefully stop the success. Why can't I get passed that? What's wrong with me? How come I know what it feels like to do really good, and how it feels to be getting healthy..... yet somehow I think that that snickers bar is going to make me feel even better? Why am I sabatoging myself?
I'm tired of telling myself this time it's going to be different. I sound like a broken record. However this time is going to be different. I was watching a show the other day having to do with prisioners. While you start relating with the charcters you begin to question why the guards and other prision employees don't give them a little slack. Once they do you feel a bond of trust going on, you feel connected. Then all of a sudden they break out of prision and you're like 'yeah run faster.. don't let them catch you'. That's when I got an 'aha moment'. The guards run a tight ship. They can not have a single thing go wrong on their watch, even if they feel the smallest inclination to give the prisioners a little freedom. I feel like I need to run my weight loss journey this way. I always start out doing all the things I'm suppose to be doing, then I start to slack a little. Then when I see that I treated myself but the scale is still in my favor what do I do? Continue on my path of sabatoging myself. For some reason deep inside I truly don't want myself to succeed. Why? Am I scared? I give myself a little 'slack' and then my journey crumbles before my eyes.
So this is my plan....
1. As of tomorrow, I will write every single bite down. No exceptions. This will allow me to see what's really going in and be able to control things. I've done this before, and I lost weight keep a food log. For some reason though I always have slacked off and then I start with my downward spiral.
2. I must get my exercise in whether it being 30 minutes a day, or more.
3. I have to be honest with myself, and in turn be honest with you.
4. To keep this going, and my focus to be on my overall health, I must post a blog daily. Unless my computer is fried, the electricity goes off or other logical excuses, I must post daily. My idea here is to keep my goal focused on this journey. If I feel like I got everything under control and I'm eating fine, I'm afraid I will slack off again. So I will be accountable in two areas my food log, and my web blog.
5. I must also get my daily intake of fluids.

So now the ugly... the statistics. I am going to re-weigh myself in the morning, and also take down my measurements and any other info that I need to gather and I'll meet you back here tomorrow to let you know how I'm doing.

Love Always,

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