Don't let the title of this post confuse you. I had an awesome day with my diet and staying on target. Usually when I first begin being strict, I get a headache. Probably my body saying....'What the heck... where did the carbs go?' 'What do you mean I can only have natural sugar?' So I always start a diet with a headache. It's not gonna kill me, I just decided to go to bed earlier and get some rest.
Disappointments... we all have them. Sometimes we have expectations that aren't met. It happens. I have major issues in this area. I can't understand why I can't find a friend to be as good a friend to me as I am to them. I'm always disappointed. I feel like I'm always giving, and not getting enough in return. Am I setting myself up for expecting too much? Normally disappointments make me feel very sad, lonely and depressed... and I will always find myself eating something. Today was different, whether it was because I was 'aware' the I'm sticking with my healthy eating plan or maybe I hit an all time low I'm not quite sure. I feel like I keep looking to rely on something or someone that can be my strength and then I find that I'm not even on their top list of priorities. Am I doing something wrong?
I know there are some deeper underlying issues here, a few that even relate to my relationship with my father. Ultimately... it's a lack of self-love. I know it, I admit it.... I just don't know how to change it. I keep falling back into the same pattern. I go above and beyond for people..... and get nothing back. I don't think that I do things for people just to get something in return... but sometimes I wonder.
I do things for me... not enough... But it makes me so much happier to be there for someone else... to help them out in someway. For someone to appreciate me. I think that's it. Appreciation. In fact it's acknowledgment. Attention?
Tonight my husband and I were on our way home and I mentioned something about our upcoming anniversary. It's our first one. I got really sad because I already feel that it's not going to be special. I began thinking... Why do I set myself up for this? Why do I have expectations? Don't I deserve to be treated special? I got on the computer and the first thing I thought of was 'man.... I wish I had those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups'.......... Literally out of no where I thought this. I'm not craving it. I'm not hungry... I'm rather full. Had I had any in the house they would have been demolished. It popped in my mind and it would not rest until it was satisfied, even though it wasn't out of hunger... it's out of emotion. Those are my thoughts for the day.
Now on a different note:
I started a temporary food log. I didn't have time to make one tonight so I began writing it done and I'll transfer it later. I ate very god today, not enough food though I still have another meal to eat but it's nearly 10pm and I'm just tired and in bed. I went for a short walk in the cold. I've almost drowned myself in all the water I need for the day. I'm proud of myself today. I can rely on myself.