And that's how I got out of jail.....

I've disappeared... actually it was the most amazing thing... I was kidnapped. I told my captor that I just had to blog because I needed to stay accountable and I really want to win at this weight loss thing and I'm not a failure... Well... Then I was taken on this roller coaster of a ride.... physically and emotionally... It all started after my last post. I told you that I was dreading my trip to Arkansas.... well.... I literally finished typing my last entry and then my dad showed up we packed my gear and my good food... I got into the truck to start driving and was met face to face with temptation.... a yummy chocolatey custard filled donut. Now if you remember my last post (I'll give you a moment to go back and read it...) I was talking about how I was preparing myself so that I would have a good trip and not eat everything in site... and if you read it you get the vibe that I was strong willed and knew what I was doing.... so then you may ask when faced with my temptation what did I do? You don't have to ask silly.... I downed that mother in 6 seconds flat...

And that was just the start of it all. I started feeling bad... and I was driving so it's not like I could just whip out my salad and eat... so we pull into a Chik-fil-A.... and I had chicken nuggets and french fries drowned with Chik-Fil-A sauce.... don't worry thought I had an unsweet tea (because I'm health conscious). Then I continued driving like there was no tomorrow. I had some peanut butter filled pretzel bites and sometime after that I downed my first candy bar... then my second.... and then many hours later my third. (Remember I was captured... this was all forced). We get to the Arkansas state line with about 5 hours left to drive and I get Subway (I know I'm shocked too). Once we got there we got to sleep for about 5 hours and then we hit the town (I only had about 24 hours before I was to fly out). For lunch we had mexican food... holy gaucamole! It was delish.... and for dinner we went to Outback Steakhouse.... I ordered my normal huge salad and a quesadilla.

Next morning I got up and cooked food. This is it... time for the healthy food. I made scrambled eggs... sausage links... and biscuits and gravy. Heavenly... but not healthy. I packed my bags and we went shopping. On our way to the airport... I stupid downed this reeces peanut butter candy bar (only cuz I've never tried it before) and made myself sick... so what do I fix that with? Taco Bell. Once upon a time ago I use to be addicted to the stuff... the past 5 or 6 years I wouldn't really touch it... Now all I can crave is Taco Bell... I think I woke a sleeping monster.

I got back that Sunday evening ( 1 week 2 days ago) and it's been down hill ever since. (And you thought that was the end of my story?) I've consumed Taco Bell 3 more times, Chik-Fil-A twice, Papa Johns, Buffalo wild Wings, and other things. The truth is my captor is the old me. It slipped in and took over and I let myself go willingly... I didn't put up a fight... I just submitted to new leadership. What is interesting is that I have my comfort zone. When I'm home I can stick to my plan. I don't bring food that I know will mess me up into the house. This really is my safe zone. I always mess up when I leave town... or when I get off my routine (like nor preparing and having to eat out) This isn't an excuse... I'm just recognizing patterns. I need to be more aware when I leave home... and keep close tabs on my diet. I want to win at this thing... not hide scared and afraid that I may not be able to handle the big bad world... so I need to take baby steps. Home is my safe haven... but I need to make sure that I can handle things when I'm out and about.

I'm grown... I know how to make smart decisions...
I'm strong.... I don't need to fall victim to my old ways
I love me... I need to start showing it and taking care of myself

If there is any good news out of this whole thing it is..... I'm back and taking this as a lesson learned.

On a side note: I stepped on the scale this morning I weigh 221. Which is nice since a few days ago I was like 228.. So as of right now I'm just a few more pounds than I was down to. I'm also refocusing. Starting back at square 1 with the my diet. Throwing out the stuff I don't want to eat (like taco bell, chik-fil-a pizza), and reclaiming the things I love (grapefruits, kielbasa with peppers, curry chicken).... I'm throwing out all this processed garbage.... I want to feel the way I felt when I was on my gym streak and eating all the right things. I felt like a million bucks.... I didn't feel sluggish (and dare I say big)... I felt like and athlete again. I love that feeling. I like being fit. I like treating my body well.

Watch out world... here I come