My Awakening

Over the last few days.... things have changed. I have a new mindset. Suddenly I began feeling the importance of this journey. It's such a wonderful feeling. I am feeling more responsible... more mature. I've written about that before... however it was because I was making the right decisions.... This time it's different. For instance after work today I met my husband at our favorite restaurant Bahama Breeze (Absolutely Fab for anyone loving Caribbean themed food).

My usual order is: 

'Crab, Shrimp, Mango and Avocado Stack'

Jumbo lump crab meat, chilled shrimp, fresh avocados and apple-mango salsa layered and stacked; with a spicy honey-red pepper drizzle.

'Creole Baked Goat Cheese'

It's Goat Cheese roasted red bell peppers served with vine-ripened tomato salsa and parmesan toast rounds
These are my appetizers. The Creole Baked Goat Cheese is amazing... but my down fall is that I will eat the whole thing... and it comes with 15 - 20 parmesan toast rounds (This is not on my diet... I could have an ounce or two of the cheese... but that's it).

And for Dinner I order:

'Jamaican Grilled Chicken Breast'
Jerk seasonings, mango glazed, with mango pineapple salsa, cinnamon mashed sweet potatoes, seasonal vegetables.  

I end up taking half of this home for a later meal. On my diet I am not suppose to have the cinnamon mashed sweet potatoes. Usually I will order the Goat Cheese appetizer knowing it's a downfall and I'll tell myself that I am "Allowing" myself to have it.... but who am I fooling... I'm just sabotaging myself. And when I order my dinner... I'll get the sweet potatoes anyway....

So how is it different this time? I went to the restaurant and ordered only the 'Crab, Shrimp, Mango and Avocado Stack' and when I ordered my dinner... I asked for double green beans instead of the sweet mashed potatoes. And then I only ate half the green beans and a few bites of chicken. I brought the rest home.

So I made some good choices... I've done that before... How is this time different? I didn't have to tell myself before I went to the restaurant what I was getting. I just went and ordered.... as if it was natural. I didn't feel like I was 'missing out' on anything. And I enjoyed spending time with my husband, and the atmosphere.... it wasn't about the food. It was just another meal I had. Sometimes I would make it all about the food. I felt relaxed and laid back.

Other things going on... I'm slowly taking control of other aspects of my life. I use to be a neat/clean freak. Over the last year I've had to deal with some depression. I felt like I was stuck in a rut.... that I couldn't get out of. I didn't want to do anything.... I kind of let myself go. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year... and then around March or April I just kind lost that spark.

Something has got me going, and it's getting stronger everyday. I'm coming up on my 2 year marriage anniversary in January... and it's been a bit hard at first. They always say that the first year or two are rough. It has been a bit rough at times. It just seems to all be coming together now. I guess I am fitting into my role as a wife... I'm not really sure, but I feel the spark or the passion in my life back.

I've started making goals and plans. It's not about "If" I accomplish them... it's "when". I have a pretty big 'TODO' List and it isn't over whelming.... I'm starting on things and knocking them off one by one. It's this mindset in me that has me realizing that I am going to reach my goal weight. I have never before been this sure of it. I have been journaling (in my personal journal) more... trying to get to the bottom of this new mindset. Could it be that I love with myself again? I've always loved myself but never enough to do what's right for me. I've always let my people pleasing faux pas completely have control over me... I've put myself on the back burner. I know that I'm doing things for me. This isn't about anyone else....except me.

As I embrace this wonderful feeling and work on finding it's true origin... I know one thing is for sure... I love am truly enjoying this journey. I'm having a lot of self-realizations and learning a lot about myself. I'm also becoming a new me. In my adult life I have never been healthy... I have never weighed under 193lbs.... I really truly (once all the layers have been peeled back) don't know who I am. Things that have defined me in the past... are no longer apart of me anymore. I've been used and abused (mentally) in too many different relationships.... I know that these people have their own issues and they are to blame for being that way... However I am taking full blame for allowing myself to be the victim. I am no longer a victim.

I hope that each and everyone that is going through their own journey has this awakening that I have had... Because it feels totally freaking awesome!

Have a happy and healthy day!!!
Love Always,
Amberly